To catch you up, I’m taking the StoryGrid live scene writing course and I’m posting my practice scenes, because why not? For this one, I’ll post the original scene first, followed by the revised scene. The revisions are based on the notes from my coach and I think the result is very solid.

Original scene

A wave of exhaustion settled on Charlie. All he wanted was to be back in his cell, washing off the putrid swamp water caked on his skin. He knew a way to settle this quick. A win win Reiter couldn’t refuse. “I owe you one for fishing me out of the Killdeer, and I like to pay my debts, so in return, how about I tell you all about the fixer and you let me out of here in, say, 6 months?”

Reiter’s eye bags had eye bags. The quintessential under slept, under loved, workaholic cop more comfortable working his way to the bottom of a whiskey bottle than having a conversation with any human. At least, that was Charlie’s take on the rumpled man before him. Why did the commander even care about this case? Charlie picked at the skin on the side of his thumb. His show of goodwill had elicited no reaction.

Reiter took a deep breath and touched an intercom on the table. “Cut the recording.”

An audible click bounced around the room, and Charlie accepted maybe he had misjudged the situation.

“We know all about Rota Williams, AKA Josephine Baker. The fixer, the one who set you up with the job. This has nothing to do with her or the fur ball. Frankly, it doesn’t even have much to do with you.”  

Charlie’s neck grew hot. He hadn’t known Josephine’s alias. “Can we resume this fascinating one-sided conversation after I’ve had a shower?”

Reiter slowly stood, crossing his arms as he towered over Charlie, sitting at the table.  “Ten years ago, you met a girl. She told you her name was Lily.”  

Charlie’s stomach flopped. What did Lily have to do with Reiter?

“She recently contacted you.”

He stayed silent.

Reiter leaned closer, softer now, like he really wanted Charlie to believe him. “Whatever she told you is not true.” His eye bags began to sweat. Charlie studied the glistening purple monstrosities, then realized with alarm he was not looking at sweating eye bags, but a commander of the Southern Division crying during an interrogation.

Lily had been crying too. They hadn’t spoken in close to ten years when she called out of nowhere five days before. He’d immediately remembered her fiery red hair and short skirts when her name danced across his cuff. He’d thought about the nights of their whirlwind affair more often than he cared to admit. Then she’d vanished. So, when she called, he’d fumbled to answer right away but tried to stay cool.

“Charlie?” she sniffled. Not the call he hoped it might be.

“Hi, Lily.”

“Charlie, can I trust you?”

The hairs on his arm stood on end. “Yes.”

She had looked over her shoulder. Charlie could tell from the hesitation and movement in her voice. “He’s found me.”

 “Who? Lily, what’s wrong? Tell me where you are.”

“Please don’t let him take me, Charlie.”

“Lily, who is after you? Where are you?”

Reiter stared at him intently and Charlie pushed the rest of the conversation from his mind, wiping the memory clean in case they’d fed him micro scanners.

Reiter leaned in close, smelling like he also may have taken a swim in the dirtiest patch of water this side of Pluto. “You tell me where she is, you walk tonight. Record wiped.”

Charlie chewed on the inside of his cheek. Record wiped, was a very serious offer. He countered, “Or Josephine will get me a lawyer.”

“You mean the girl we arrested two hours ago? Good luck.”

Charlie scanned this broken man’s face. What was going on here? He couldn’t figure it out .

“Look, sorry Lily broke your heart and all, but she moved on, man. Let her go. You’ll find another skirt.” Charlie took a hard swallow and gauged whether this advice was anywhere near the ballpark.

Reiter collapsed into the chair again, resting his head in his hands. “She’s my daughter.”

Charlie sucked in a quick breath and looked around for anyone else, but there was no one. Only the two of them.

“I’ve been looking for her for ten years and you’re our best lead.”

Lily’s terrified voice came back to him, her plea of could she trust him. “You got the wrong guy, man. I haven’t heard from her since she ghosted me. Not even sure I’d talk to her if she called.”

Reiter looked up with puffy eyes. “Final answer?”

Charlie shifted in his seat, suddenly feeling like he didn’t know how to win. “Final answer.”

Reiter engaged the intercom. “Mr. Hildebrand requested five days of solitary confinement.” He lifted the button. The metal legs of his chair scraped the concrete floor like a cry for help as he headed for the exit. “We’ll talk again soon.”

Charlie sank in his chair. He’d done a lot of time, but never like this.  

Revised Scene

A wave of exhaustion settled on Charlie. All he wanted was to be back in his cell, washing off the putrid swamp water caked on his skin. He’d never known them to skip the normal processing, but they’d brought him straight to this cramped interrogation room. But Charlie knew a way to settle this quick. A win win Reiter couldn’t refuse.

The commander’s eye bags had eye bags. The quintessential under slept, under loved, workaholic cop more comfortable swigging his way to the bottom of a whiskey bottle than having a conversation with any human. At least, that was Charlie’s take on the rumpled man before him. Charlie picked at the skin on the side of his thumb. Why did the commander even care about this case?

Reiter took a deep breath and touched an intercom on the table. “Cut the recording.”

An audible click bounced around the room, and Charlie accepted maybe he had misjudged the situation, but he had to give it a shot anyway. “I owe you one for fishing me out of the Killdeer, and I like to pay my debts, so in return, how about I tell you all about the fixer and you let me out of here in, say, 6 months?”

“We know all about Rota Williams, AKA Josephine Baker. The fixer, the one who set you up with the job. This has nothing to do with her or the fur ball. Frankly, it doesn’t even have much to do with you.”

Charlie’s neck grew hot. He hadn’t known Josephine’s alias. “Can we resume this fascinating one-sided conversation after I’ve had a shower?”

Reiter slowly stood, crossing his arms as he towered over Charlie, sitting at the table.  “Ten years ago, you met a girl. She told you her name was Lily.”

Charlie’s stomach flopped. What did Lily have to do with Reiter?

“She recently contacted you.”

He stayed silent. Reiter was the last person this side of the belt he would talk to about Lily. The commander stared at him intently and Charlie pushed his recent conversation with her from his mind, wiping the memory clean in case they’d fed him micro scanners. Charlie searched this broken man’s face. What was going on here? He couldn’t figure it out.

“Look, sorry Lily broke your heart and all, but she’s like that. Let her go. You’ll find another skirt.” Charlie swallowed hard and gauged whether this advice was anywhere near the ballpark.

Reiter collapsed into the chair again, resting his head in his hands. “She’s my daughter.” He leaned closer, softer now, subtly begging Charlie to believe him. “Whatever she told you is not true.” His eye bags began to sweat. Charlie studied the glistening purple monstrosities, then realized with alarm he was not looking at sweating eye bags, but a commander of the Southern Division crying during an interrogation. Charlie sucked in a quick breath and looked around for anyone else, but there was no one. Only the two of them.

“I’ve been looking for her for ten years and you’re our best lead.” Reiter leaned in close, smelling like he also may have taken a swim in the dirtiest patch of water this side of Pluto. “You tell me where she is, you walk tonight. Record wiped. But if you don’t,” Reiter pulled on his shirt collar, “you’re going to wish you had.”  

Charlie chewed on the inside of his cheek. Record wiped, was a very serious offer. He countered, “Or Josephine will get me a lawyer.”

“You mean the girl we arrested two hours ago? Good luck.”

A serious setback, but Lily’s terrified voice came back to Charlie, her plea of could she trust him. He cleared his throat. “You got the wrong guy, man. I haven’t heard from her since she ghosted me. Not even sure I’d talk to her if she called.”

Reiter looked up with puffy eyes. “Final answer?”

Charlie shifted in his seat, knowing he didn’t know how to win. “Final answer.”

Reiter engaged the intercom. “Mr. Hildebrand requested five days of solitary confinement.” The metal legs of his chair scraped the concrete floor like a cry for help as he headed for the exit. “We’ll talk again soon.”

Charlie sank in his chair. He’d done a lot of time, but never like this.

Which scene do you like better? I like the revisions because the motivations are tighter the 5 commandments of inciting incident, progressive complications, turning point, crisis decision, and resolution are clearer and more impactful. Let me know what you think in the comments.